When you think you want something, but really it’s just your fear talking!

With a global pandemic going on around you, it’s easy to get sucked into the 'fear' energy.The world’s population is scared, this in turn is creating a collective energy shift to that way of feeling and thinking. I have always been super empathic so I have tried my best not to watch the news or read the hype and fake posts on the internet. I know that for me this would just send me into a fear spiral, and while I know how serious the situation is and I am staying safe and staying home and isolating etc, I don’t need to know any more than that. For my sanity.The issue with being so open and affected by others energies and feelings, is you can struggle to shut it out, or maybe even know what is really you and what you're feeling. I know meditation is the answer here. I know it from a place deep down inside me, that it will help at this time and it will help connect with my inner wisdom and peace, but I still can’t get into the habit yet. I am trying and it's called a ‘meditation practice’ as it takes work I guess.With this low grade fear energy buzzing about 24/7, trying to get your attention, it can wear you down. Even if you don’t realise it’s affecting you.When you are tired and run down, and haven't taken time to look after yourself and replenish, you are more susceptible to things like colds, illnesses, overwhelm and much more.One of the things I have realised is that I haven't taken the time I needed to ‘meditate’ and in turn have some time out with my thoughts, some quiet to rest and reflect, a place that's connected to something bigger than all of this and all of us.So I have been go go going for 8 weeks now in this weird new normal, trying to work on myself and my life and my fears and my dreams (as well as look after the house and my small human etc) But I haven't taken the time to get really quiet and real with myself.I have had highs and lows. I have wanted to be surrounded by my loved ones, and at times, be completely on my own.I’ve been productive, I’ve been lazy. It’s been a roller coaster and for half of isolation there have been three of us under the same roof going through these feelings and emotions at the same time, not always in the same order.This enforced down time has highlighted a lot of things for me. I know I like to be free to go where I please when I please. I don’t like being told what to do, I have a problem with authority in that way (would explain why I hated school!) I love to move furniture around as it gives me a sense of newness and keeps things from being stagnant. I need my space, even when surrounded by those I love. I like to create areas for certain things, giving the feeling of space even when ‘trapped’ inside. Such as a space for art, a space for work, a space for relaxing, a space for play. This level of organisation helps me feel in control and like I’m providing for us all.One of the main realisations I have had over the last 48 hours is that if you don't have that time and quiet to ‘do you’ then the fear energy that’s buzzing about will sneak in and mingle with your subconscious and cause a complete and utter shit show.When fear is in control, it lets you sit back behind your wall in your safe cosy den, full of all the times you were wrong, felt like you were left out, or not to mention the times you were abandoned, and it whispers in your ear ……..

“It’s too risky to try and work at a time like this, you could get in trouble for doing it wrong. Anyway loads of people are doing what you thought about, so you aren't original, you would have been, but you missed out and didn't act on it. You’re too lazy.You're a loser who won't amount to anything. You can’t have the dream life you want, as you are shit with money. How are you ever going to achieve anything when you don't even have the self discipline to do one hour of work a day.Don't get me started on love! You think you deserve to be happy? Ha! Everyone leaves so just quit while you're ahead. Leave before you're left. You don’t need to get hurt again.It’s not right anyway, as it's too hard. You can't do hard stuff. You haven't got it in you. You know those films and the lives you see on insta where it's all sunshine and roses, that's totally real and they never struggle, so you’re doing it wrong. Anyway you're a strong independent woman, who doesn’t need love, just be an old crone, bitter and twisty. Don’t let love in. It’s a trick. You don’t deserve to be happy so I'm going to make you cold and closed off so you push it away. No communicating from your heart here, just from your head (me!). One more thing, don’t go searching in your inner knowing for your blocks or limiting beliefs……. Otherwise I’ll be found out and booted to the curb, and I like it here making you think you are better off with just me, your cynical inner bitch”

I’m ashamed to say she worked her wicked ways, and again instead of just opening up to myself and to the ones I love, I let her take control and now I am here, with that quiet and down time, looking inwards and seeing that I could have done more. That love takes work, every day. That fear is a part of growing. That what we have been through, does not define us. That we can choose to be happy if we are willing to do the work. That yes, it’s not just me, but that I can take responsibility for letting my inner bitch run the show, and say sorry for not being strong enough to tell her where to go! Fear, the inner bitch/bastard, is within us all. I know I am not the only one who has been struggling with kicking my old friend out of the way. But all I can do, is do the work myself. Say sorry.  Be open with myself. Share my story and hope that what’s meant to be will be.Here’s to living with fear, as we do need it to keep us safe, but to realising that we are grownups now, and the inner child that fear is, that's trying to keep us safe from a scary place full of scary feelings, is safe, heard, understood, seen and most of all loved.